Friday, July 29, 2011

Dating and Mating #6: Red Flags & Deal Breakers

The beginning of a relationship is full of flushed and positive emotions.  It is almost scary the wonder we can feel towards someone else.  Our new found #1 seems to have nothing that we don't like or won't put up with.  In the standard dating game these feelings eventually begin to subside and the reality of this new person becomes clearer. 

Red Flag - If in a month of steady dating your friends start to question some behaviors of your new #1 and you find yourself annoyed with them or begin to isolate yourself from them, you need to look inward as there may be an unhealthy reason you are willing to ignore negative tendencies.  This is especially true of individuals who connect with, and stay in, abusive relationships.

Everyone has positive and negative behaviors, even you.  You will NEVER find someone that does not, or will not, annoy you with what they do, think or how they act.  You will at some time annoy them too.  This is fact.  What becomes important is watching for Red Flag behaviors; can you live with them or will those Red Flags become a Deal Breaker.

Red Flags are those bothersome behaviors that you don't do or are not used to.  They are generally considered small annoyances but once in a committed relationship where the BIG differences of finances and child rearing must be addressed, it will be the small annoyances such as; toilet paper, over or under, toothpaste, squeeze or roll up, clothes hamper or corner of the room, shoe rack or in the hall.  These small things will be the straw that breaks the relationship-camel's back.

Deal Breakers are subjects that need to be addressed BEFORE you commit to a relationship.  Young relationships tend to avoid these hard topics because disagreement is likely and no one wants an argument.  You do yourself, as well as your potential partner, a disservice by not discussing issues most important to you.  Important topics such as; how many children, child rearing practices, who's career is primary, moving, religious views, commitments to aging parents.

Close friends and family members see your relationship from a different perspective.  Listen, and hear, what they are saying.  Try to see what they see.  A Red Flag may illuminate a Deal Breaker that can save both of you precious time and heartache.

If you are already in a committed relationship and having difficulty keep in mind selfishness is what causes and perpetuates many of these issues.  Forgiveness is the only sure way of finding lasting happiness. 

These books are a good investment for everybody.  Making Love Last and  Please Understand Me.

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  1. What wonderful advice.....Red flags should stop us in our tracks but it's hard when you're young and you think you can change the world.....

    When you get older, you pay a little more attention to them.....

    I hope you have a wonderful week.....

  2. This is an interesting topic and one that isn't addressed very often in the blogging world. I like your point of view. I have a son in a new relationship right now and you gave me some good things to think about and to talk to him about.

  3. The is wonderful advice! Relationships need to be approached with a good balance of common sense - just like this. :)

    Have a great weekend!

  4. Good points flags, we use that term in our house and watch for them, there are just some things that are non-negotiable.

  5. If we paid attention to red flags in many areas of our lives....we would make many different choices. Unfortunately we just ignore them as we ignore many warnings.